The Farmer John Bandit

Well, one month into our new business, and we had our first break-in. It happened early Saturday morning at approximately 5:01 am. Here's what went down - it's pretty funny. STOOPID thief.
(Note: the word "stupid" is purposely misspelled in the story to emphasize the ignorance of the thief.)



Around 4:45 am a guy is pulled over in front of the batting range. He's just out walking when a cop drives by, thinks it's suspicious, and stops him. As the cop is questioning this guy, he hears some "rustling" going on inside the office. The unfortunate guy who was stopped is now in handcuffs sitting on the sidewalk. He hears it too and tells the cop, "Hey, I don't have anything to do with that. I saw that guy break in. His truck is behind over there."
So now the cop calls for back up. Once it arrives, he puts the guy in the back of his car and waits for the robber to come out.
Now, keep in mind that this is all going down BEFORE Darren has even made it out the door to go down to the batting range to check things out. Our alarm system notifies us only, not the police. While en route at approximately 5:10 am, Darren calls the police to tell them about our break in. So by the time Darren arrives, there are already 5 cop cars outside the batting range and two guys are in custody.
The stoopid thief, while inside our office, looked out the window and saw the cop. So he thinks he'll just sneak out and drive out of sight WITHOUT his headlights on. No, you stoopid thief, that's not suspicious AT ALL. Of course the cop is waiting for him, and pulls him over immediately. Stoopid thief admits to the burglary immediately and gives himself up.
Darren arrives after all of this has gone down. He enters the batting range office to assess the damage. The stoopid thief has thrown some stuff around, knocked over some paper clips and moved some papers around. He also took bolt cutters to a lock to try and get into our cage. The cage holds our alarm sytem and our phones - that's about it. There was also an empty cash box in there which is what he was obviously after. He broke the lock but still couldn't get the cage open, so he went looking for something else to steal. The picture below is what the cops retrieved from the stoopid thief:



He stole our weenies and a bottle of champagne we bought but never used for our grand opening. HE STOLE OUR WEENINES!!! How damn funny is that?? He was even planning to steal all of our weenies, but had to abandon two boxes by the window he used to get in and out of. (For those of you reading who do not understand why we would have weenies in our office, it's because the refrigerator is in the office and the weenies are for our Snack Bar.) Yes, they're hot dogs, but it's much more funny to say "weenies." So the stoopid thief is carted off to jail, and our weenies returned to their frigid home. Oh, and the other guy? Turns out he really didn't have anything to do with the robbery. Unfortunately he DID have a warrant, so he was arrested anyway. Bummer. Talk about wrong place at the wrong time!
Later on that day, the local news station gets wind of the burglary and arrives at the batting range for an interview with Darren. It must have been a slow news day to think that the Weenie Robber was newsworthy, but hey, it was free publicity for us! Turns out that the thief was some 24 year old crackhead (maybe he wasn't a crackhead, but Darren said he looked like one) who had just been released from jail a few months ago. Guess what he was in jail for? Breaking and Entering. Whaddyaknow.